Jesus Pops Up on Walmart Receipt

Forget the Shroud of Turin. Gentry Lee Sutherland and Jacob Simmons are the proud owners of the Receipt of Dixieland, the latest version of Jesus to appear on an earthly medium. Like most modern receipt paper, the Walmart receipts work by applying heat to the paper. Sutherland and Simmons insist they did not apply heat to the paper, leaving (in their minds) only one possible scientific outcome: a miracle. This obviously trumps the other options, such as "random pattern from the receipt sitting on a counter, pressed under something else" and "maybe the fact that it was June and you live in South Carolina suggests that heat could have been applied by the air". For their part, Simmons and Sutherland were somewhat spooked by the presence of a 2,000 year old risen deity on their shopping receipt. "I always wondered why in the Bible when someone saw an angel they were afraid, but now I know," Sutherland said. "We're human beings and we're not used to seeing that kind of thing. "We're just sharing it with family and friends," Sutherland added. "To be honest, I'm just glad it's gotten out this fast. It's worldwide. We don't know what we're going to do with it. We'll pray about it. For now, we'll just share the love and blessing." And what a blessing it has been, for all of us. The message started for the couple at church on Wednesday of the fateful week. The talk at church that night was about how comfortable the church-goers would be if God revealed himself to them. "The message was getting to know God," Sutherland recalled. "The question they asked was, 'Would you know Jesus if you saw him?'" Then they went home and saw him...on a receipt from Walmart. "There's tons of people who will say, 'Oh, we're in the Bible Belt,' but here's my question to the doubters, who else has the power to put their face on a check-out receipt but Jesus?" Well, since you asked, here is the short list. Other Deities That Might be on that Receipt

• Yahweh
• Allah
• Zoroaster
• Dionysus
• Satan
• Santa Claus
• Ragnaros
• Zeus
• He-man
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Cthulhu
• Superman
• Louis Black
• Benzinga's Brett Callwood

For all we know, it's not a picture of Jesus at all. Maybe it's that crazy fascist Mother Teresa after she let her facial hair grow a bit. Walmart seems like the ideal place for her to crop up, doesn't it? She was all about gaining spiritually by suffering physically; in fact, she used her vast donated resources to keep poor people poor and starving, so as to bring them closer to Christ. Sounds like the Walmart message to me!