Apple Unveils the iPhone 4S, AKA the "iPhone Rehash Edition"

If you thought Facebook press conferences were bad, just wait till you hear what Apple did this afternoon. Nothing! Instead of using today to unveil a new product that will inspire us to wait outside an Apple AAPL Store for two days, the Mac maker unveiled a phone that practically mirrors last year's edition: the iPhone 4S. Due on October 14, this remarkably sucky, shoddy, sloppy, slapped together disaster of a phone will undoubtedly receive huge sales, endless attention, and a fair amount of praise from Apple loyalists. But if you own an iPhone 4 that's in good working condition, you don't need an iPhone 4S. Apple touted the fact that the iPhone 4 has the most used camera on Flickr. The company says this as if it is an enormous accomplishment. It's not. You see, when people have one device in their pocket that can do everything they want, they don't care about quality. Most people don't know how to take good pictures anyway, so quality isn't really an issue. They hear words like “megapixel” and think their camera is good enough. And if you already own an iPhone for other reasons, why not use it as a camera, even if it sucks? It's better than lugging two devices around all the time. That's why Apple's chart, which showed the iPhone beating actual cameras from Nikon and Canon CAJ, is so messed up. If the iPhone 4 were strictly a camera, it wouldn't be able to compare to, say, the Nikon D90. But as a device millions of people already own, its usage as a camera has gone up. I'm stunned. This paved the way for Apple's camera-related announcements: the iPhone 4S will come equipped with a 1080p (video), eight megapixel (stills) camera. Apple made a big deal about its backside illumination, but we already had that in the original iPhone 4. Apple also made a big deal about Siri, but that's an older app that the company bought up, tweaked, and temporarily removed from the App Store – but not before my colleague attempted to download and install the app. That download failed, but it was interesting to watch him try. Apple's programmers could have easily removed the app a day or two before the event. Why didn't they? Siri is being touted by This Is My Next and other tech blogs as being impressive technology, but thus far I have yet to see anything I can't live without. The first Siri demonstration included the weather. Users can ask your iPhone what the weather will be like today, and Siri will answer. You know, as opposed to clicking on a weather app. Doing it this way – the Siri way – is sooooooo much more exciting. Oh, sorry. Wrong Siri. Actually, her name is Suri. The two are so easy to confuse, just like today's press event. Siri can also answer the question, “Who are you?” Siri will respond, “I am your humble assistant.” Yawn. In practice, Siri might be cool. But Siri is a byproduct of software advancements and software acquisitions – it has nothing to do with iPhone 4S (outside of the fact that Apple chose to promote Siri at the iPhone 4S event). Apple, of course, attempted to make every announcement sound like it was something new. But the old iPod Touch is still an old iPod Touch now covered in a fresh coat of white paint. Airplay Mirroring means that you can play iPhone and iPod Touch games on your television. If only iPhone and iPod Touch games were WORTH playing on a television… Epic Games President Mike Capps joined Apple's team on stage to unveil Infinity Blade II. During the event, This Is My Next quoted him as saying, “We're going to show you visuals that you've never seen on a mobile device. This may look pre-rendered, but it's not.” But as This Is My Next noted, no Mike – it does not look pre-rendered! Not surprisingly, graphics were the focus of the presentation. Epic completely ignored the fact that the iPhone 4S is still incapable of powering real games, which is why Infinity Blade II will be another touch screen (read: swiping) mess, just like the original. This Is My Next also said that the trailer for Infinity Blade II had a slight bit of stuttering. To that, I give Apple a great big “LOL” for creating another fine example of why the company's video game presentations are always a joke. Come on, Apple! When are you going to wake up and design a real game machine that plays real games? Apple also unveiled its latest pricing structure for the iPhone family: the iPhone 3GS 8GB is now free, the iPhone 4 8GB is $99, and the iPhone 4S will retail for $199 (16GB), $299 (32GB), and $399 (64GB). Obsessed Apple fans can pre-order the 4S this Friday October 7 – just one week ahead of its October 14 release date. Clearly Apple isn't expecting this iPhone rehash to be a huge seller; after all, the company used high demand as an excuse for not allowing iPad 2 pre-orders. Finally, Apple did make one intriguing announcement: an app called Cards that will allow you to create greeting cards on your iOS device, which Apple will then print and ship for $2.99. American Greetings' AM stock immediately dropped on this news. I, for one, don't plan on using this app much. I do, however, expect it to be very successful. But far as the unveiling of Cards, Engadget had this to say, “That got applause. People seem desperate to clap for something. That was it.” One last note: Apple's stock dropped roughly $12 during today's event. Follow me @LouisBedigian