ETFs Lenny Dykstra Would Love

Former New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies star Lenny Dykstra probably isn't having a good weekend. The former All-Star known as “Nails” was indicted on Friday on charges of bankruptcy fraud and selling stuff from his $18 million California mansion that had been foreclosed on. Dykstra, 48, likely wasn't saying “thank goodness it's Friday” after learning that he had been charged with 13 counts of the following: Bankruptcy fraud, obstruction of justice, four counts of concealing property from the bankruptcy estate, three counts of embezzlement from the bankruptcy estate, and four counts of making false declarations to bankruptcy court, according to CNN. Dykstra's trials and tribulations have been well-documented over the past few years and his money management skills, or lack thereof, are borderline humorous. So let's have a laugh of our own and take a look at some ETFs that “Nails” would love. 1) Consumer Staples Select Sector SPDR XLP: Dykstra was once (and perhaps still is) a loyal user of chewing tobacco, so loading up on XLP, which features Altria MO among its top-10 holdings makes sense. Plus, Dykstra owned car washes and Clorox CLX, another XLP constituent, owns the Armor All brand. 2) Financial Select Sector SPDR XLF: Dykstra found himself in his own private mortgage meltdown, so why not cozy up to a bunch of companies that know what he's going through? Dykstra owes $12.9 million to JPMorgan Chase JPM, according to Bloomberg News. 3) SPDR Gold Shares GLD: In a desperate grab for cash, Dykstra caught the ire of the feds by stripping his mansion of gold fixtures that he was presumably hoping to sell and pocket the proceeds. He should have invested in GLD instead. 4) First Trust Industrial/Producer Durables AlphaDEX Fund FXR: Prison operators such as Corrections Corp. of America CXW aren't heavily represented in ETFs, but FXR does offer a 1% allocation to Corrections Corp., which is fitting considering Dykstra could face a maximum of 80 years in the slammer if convicted of all charges, according to various press reports.