David Duke Wants to Trade White Robe For White House in 2012 GOP Bid

For a political party that lives in the Reagan Glory Days of the 1980s, it's surprising to see one of their potential presidential candidates looking to take the party back to the 60s. That is to say the 1860s. David Duke, the former KKK leader who is surprisingly comfortable in both Republican and Tea Party circles, announced Tuesday he is exploring a bid for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. Oh. My. God. Could this race (no pun intended) get any more absurd? We've got bankruptcy king Donald Trump lecturing people on better government financing. We've got Sarah Palin who claims to be pro-life but aborts every task she undertakes. We've got Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman, two nice guys who happen to be Mormon; Romney a creepy Mormon who has those dead serial killer eyes, and Huntsman, whose last job was working for Obama. There's also Michele Bachmann, who is pretty sure Paul Revere warned the British that the Beatles were coming. Oh sure, there's also Newt Gingrich, whose very political career is flaming out like a one-hit rapper as he bling-blings his way through Tiffany's and back into the public sector. And, umm, Rick Santorum's frothy name and anti-gay sentiment that makes the other GOP bigots seem tolerable. Apparently, Herman Cain is still running as the token black guy, disappointing Alan Keyes fans everywhere. Oh, and Tim Pawlenty, who is hated even in his home state, and Thaddeus McCotter, who sounds like the kind of guy Michele Bachmann would think was a Founding Father, but is actually a nutbag from Michigan. The only Republicans who make any sense are Ron Paul and Gary Johnson, and they can't get two seconds of straight-face time from the media, what with all the buffoons on stage. And Duke? Well, he just doubles down on the buffoonery, doesn't he? Make no mistake about it. Duke, if he enters the race, will hint at, flirt with, and flat out Willie Horton the race issue. Why? Well, gee, unemployment is high, Mexicans are immigrating in large numbers, and the President is black. For some folks, that's all the evidence they need that white people need to stand together (presumably under a Duke 2012 banner) and fight back against everyone else. Duke dances around the issue. "I have no hatred of anyone," Duke says. "Just a love of my heritage and values." Aah, yes. His heritage and values. That would be the KKK he was Grand Wizard of, and whose racist ideology he still shills to a mindless horde of white-power zombies online. The proof? He got kicked out of the Czech Republic for his anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial. He spent time in prison here in America, too, after pleading guilty to defrauding supporters and cheating on his taxes. He was sentenced to 15 months and is barred from running for state office in Louisiana. Given the state of GOP politics today, who knows if Duke can pull it off and win the nomination. I know, as a pundit and analyst, a Duke-Obama match-up would either be the most dynamic or most obnoxious political campaigns of my lifetime. Let's say, for the sake of argument, David Duke is the nominee for the GOP. What stocks might benefit? Companies that sell white sheets What single piece of "clothing" could possibly sell better than a white sheet to Duke supporters? Racists of every banner could unite under the anonymity a clean, white sheet provides. Look for retailers such as Walmart WAL for lower-end racists and Bed, Bath & Beyond BBBY for higher-class racists. Companies that sell timber Those klan rallies will need some solid lumber to keep the South in burning crosses well through the November elections, so perhaps companies such as Lowes LOW and Home Depot HD could see a bump on lumber sales. If ETFs are more your style, there is a Lumber ETF out there WOOD that might meet your needs. Or, you know, maybe Americans will come to their senses and realize that, regardless of party affiliation, political identification or economic viewpoints, there really is no room in the national political dialogue for racists like David Duke. His non-racial viewpoints, all of them, are covered plenty by the other candidates in the GOP field (and among independent candidates), leaving no reason to support Duke for anything other than his not-well-hidden racism.