What Does Bank of America Have in Common With Betty White?

I suppose the short answer would be that one is nearly 100 years old, is worth some money (but not too much), is past her prime, is seemingly on television every day and is lucky to be alive...and the other is Betty White. Aah, yes. Betty White. I came across her name while researching for a different article, and immediately was filled with nostalgia for one of the best television shows of my lifetime, The Golden Girls. Who can forget the antics of four older women, brought together by circumstance and held together by friendship, through good and bad? I know I can't. And then, for reasons I can only attribute to a twisted brain or perhaps an abundance of good cheer while an undergrad, my brain made an immediate linkage: The Golden Girls are exactly like the banking industry. Yes, really. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was either on something or on to something. Either way, this was a story that needed to be told! Let's dig in to this. FACT: The Golden Girls is a story of financially secure, older white people who spend their days doing anything but real, hard work. Some of them even have sex! FACT: The banking industry is a story of financially secure, older white people who spend their days doing anything but real, hard work. Some of them even have sex! FACT: The Golden Girls really took off after its introduction in 1985, with heights in the 1980s and a stirring climax in 1992. It has been in syndication and reruns ever since. FACT: The banking industry really took off after the deregulations under Ronald Reagan, reaching new heights in the 1980s and a stirring climax with the crash of 1987 and the election of Democrat Bill Clinton in 1992. It has been the same old story ever since. FACT: The Golden Girls opening theme song, "Thank You For Being a Friend", was a top-40 hit before it was picked up by the show. FACT: The official Bank Criminal Cartel theme song, "Thank You For Being a Fiend", was tops in my imagination as I wrote this piece. (True story!) The correlations between The Golden Girls and the banking industry go beyond just macro comparisons to the show. Even the characters in The Golden Girls have parallels inside the banking industry. Consider the following: Blanche Devereaux, played by Rue McClanahan, is the owner of the home that the other women move in to. She is a widow who spends her free time having sex with just about every man who comes across the screen. Morgan Stanley MS also owns a lot of homes that other women move in to. While they're not a widow, they do seem to enjoy screwing over everyone who crosses their path. Rose Nylund, played by America's best actress Betty White, is thoughtfully referred to as "naive" but in reality, is somewhere between dumb and dumber. She constantly says things that don't make sense to anyone around her. Bank of America BAC is also thought of as naive, but in reality, is somewhere between dumb and dumber. BAC constantly does things that don't make sense to anyone around BAC, such as buying Countrywide (the mortgage fraud giant) and Merrill Lynch (was going bust as they bought it). Dorothy Zbornak, played by Big Bird look-alike Bea Arthur, was a know-it-all substitute teacher who offered up a no-nonsense facade but was continually doing things she shouldn't, such as deal with her ex-husband Stanley. Citigroup C is a know-it-all banking institution that should know better, but continues to do dangerously dumb things like extending a full line of credit to soon-to-be-bankrupt French banks. Sophia Petrillo, played by Estelle Getty*, has been around forever and knows where the bodies are buried. She was, after all, a heavily-stereotyped Italian-American with questionable ties to mafioso values. JP Morgan JPM is one of America's oldest banks. It has its roots in an 1824-founded bank, Chemical Bank of New York. Safe to say, they know where the bodies are hidden. Stanley Zbornak, played by the great Herb Edelman, was Dorothy's cheating, freeloading ex-husband. He constantly needed money or attention from Dorothy, and he was willing to barge into their lives to get it. Goldman Sachs GS is America's cheating, freeloading ex-husband. They constantly need money or attention and are willing to buy, bribe or bilk our government and our democracy in order to get it. *Did you know that, despite playing the elderly mother of Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty was the youngest of the four actresses on The Golden Girls? You can reach the author by email john@benzinga.com or on twitter @johndthorpe.