10 Weirdest Toys Of All Time

Yes, it is that time of the year again – when the question of what to buy the kiddies for the holiday season becomes front and center.

Over the years, parents wandering the aisles of retail stores and scanning the pages of e-commerce sites have come across toys that would spark various degrees of horror and confusion from the poor tykes expecting something a tad more conventional.

For your viewing pleasure, and as a warning on what to avoid for the holidays, here is Benzinga’s naughty but nice list of the 10 weirdest toys of all time.

Golden Girls Action Figures. No one will thank the designer of this collection for being a friend – Bea Arthur’s Dorothy looks like Harvey Fierstein in a kimono, Estelle Getty’s Sophia looks like she was just hit by a bus, Rue McClanahan’s Blanche is lacking a middle torso and one has to assume the fourth doll is Betty White’s Rose, though the facial inspiration is clearly not from the legendary sitcom star. Someone pass the cheesecake, please.

Handi Squirrel Finger Hand Puppet. This product from Aqkilo consists of five finger puppets – one head and four paws – that is supposed to resemble a squirrel. Except that it looks like the poor squirrel was dismembered and its head and limbs are floating about each other.

Lil Shitz. There is a surprisingly large volume of toys that involve excrement, but this poop doll is arguably one of the least appealing in this smelly segment. The Etsy ETSY based creator of the product claims each item in this line is individually hand-sculpted – not unlike snowflakes, no two turds are alike.

Mega Plumber Action Figure. Sure, Superman can repel alien attacks and Batman can foil nutcase criminals, but can either unclog a backed-up drain. American Standard, the company that manufactures toilets, offered kids a very different superhero: Mega Plumber! This action figure came with its own wrench and toilet, thus guaranteeing kids hours of fun imagining how to save the day in the bathroom. (Obviously, Lil Shitz will be displeased to match wits with this toy!)

Mutant Bunny. You won’t say “What’s up, Doc?” with this product, though you could say "WTF?" with this bunny that has three ears and four arms. Clearly, Mutant Bunny has the market for deformed rabbits to itself.

My First Bacon. This 19-inch-tall plush doll says “I’m bacon!” when it is squeezed. Just why a child would want to squeeze a 19-inch-tall talking bacon has yet to be explained.

Pet Rock. One of the most notorious fads of the 1970s was this offering created by advertising executive Gary Dahl, who harvested stones from Mexico’s Rosarito Beach. Dahl sold these items in custom cardboard boxes (complete with breathing holes) that included straw beds for the unlikeliest of pets. Retailing at $4 per box, Dahl made more than $1 million before the fad lost its appeal and the pet rocks were tossed out the window.

Sense of Right Alliance. This notorious Chinese knockoff features a sextet of pop culture heroes joined together into a hitherto unknown league of do-gooders. The heroes (or their unreasonable facsimiles) include Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, one of the Power Rangers, Shrek and Lightning McQueen from “Cars.” Obviously, this is the perfect gift for kids with a minimal grasp of IP infringement.

Stretch Armstrong. Originally introduced in 1976, the point of this latex doll was to have its arms and legs stretched as far as kids could pull. While adequate as a test of juvenile strength, it also proved to test the patience of parents whose kids left Stretch Armstrong in a hot car – as the doll was known to melt into a sticky goo that was difficult to clean up. (A 2019 re-release of the toy is designed to avoid that melting mess.)

War Criminals of the 20th Century: Adolf Hitler. G.I. Joe’s greatest foe has his own action figure – a 12-inch-tall Fuehrer who gazes out humorlessly at the poor kids who somehow wind up with him. The manufacturer also produced Heinrich Himmler and Hermann Goring dolls to accompany the Hitler doll in its doomed quest for world conquest.

Photos courtesy of Amazon and Etsy.