10 Weirdest Christmas Films Of All Time

Are you growing tired of those syrupy Hallmark romantic flicks where plastic-pretty people find love amid the Christmas decorations? Are you bored of George Bailey and that bumbling angel? And has the tradition of Ralphie and his BB gun finally worn out its welcome?

Do not fear, beleaguered reader, for there is a parallel universe of bizarre, inane and frequently incomprehensible films that steamroll over the holiday spirit with blitheful recklessness. For those eager to pursue the stranger side of the yuletide season, here are the 10 weirdest Christmas movies of all time.

"Bikini Bloodbath Christmas" (2010): The third installment in the horror-comedy "Bikini Bloodbath" series finds the gourmet-inspired serial killer Chef Death resurrected from his grave to provide a holiday season bloodbath while a battalion of buxom beauties occupy the title's promised bikinis. Scream queens Debbie Rochon, Rachael Robbins and Monique Dupree decorate the proceedings and there is also an out-of-left-field homage to "Krull" plus Troma chieftain Lloyd Kaufman turns up as a lascivious surgeon. (Disclosure: this article's author is also in the film.)

"A Flintstones Christmas Carol" (1994): Okay, how can the denizens of prehistoric Bedrock celebrate a holiday inspired by the birth of Jesus? They could if you subscribe to the admittedly fringe opinion that the Flintstones did not reside in the past, but dwelled in a post-apocalyptic future created when the nuclear arms race bombed mankind into a new Stone Age. If that is correct, then feel free to blame Edward Teller and J. Robert Oppenheimer for this zillionth version of the Charles Dickens ghost story.

"The Lady in the Lake" (1947): Film noir and Christmas rarely mix, but Robert Montgomery's adaptation of the Raymond Chandler mystery finds tough-guy private eye Philip Marlowe (played by Montgomery) investigating a disappearance of a publisher's wife. There is the usual amount of violence and mayhem one associates from the genre, but Montgomery frames the film in an offbeat manner: nearly the entire film is shown from Marlowe's point of view, with the other actors looking directly into the camera to deliver their dialogue and Marlowe only briefly glimpsed in mirror reflections. It was a strange experiment, and whether it worked is a matter of opinion.

"The Magic Christmas Tree" (1964): A mischievous boy helps a witch on Halloween and is rewarded on Christmas with a talking tree that grants him wishes. The silly brat wishes himself total authority over his town and commandeers Santa Claus to be his personal toymaker, but somehow he winds up as a slave to a lumpy ogre who wears a sleeveless leather vest, a leather studded belt and creepily refers to him as "my little boy." Seriously, there is nothing wrong with "The Magic Christmas Tree" that couldn't be fixed by a blowtorch.

"The Nuttiest Nutcracker" (1999) You'll want to break out the Vitamix blender after watching the computer-generated animation atrocity that reconfigures the timeless holiday ballet with a cast of anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables voiced by the likes of Jim Belushi, Phyllis Diller and Cheech Marin. Really, how did anyone think this would be a good idea? Mercifully, Tchaikovsky's peerless music is barely used, but somehow Peabo Bryson was recruited for two new songs. 

"Rare Exports" (2010): Finland was probably not eager to be left out of the weird Christmas movie universe, which may explain this hell-from-Helsinki horror/action endeavor that depicts Santa Claus as a horned creature who whips and boils misbehaving children while maintaining an army of nasty old men who serve as his elves. The film offers a surplus of explosions and chase scenes and a deficit of comprehensible storytelling, but at least this zany hodgepodge is never boring.

"Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny" (1972): Santa crashes his sleigh into a Florida beach and summons local children for assistance. Cheapjack filmmaker Barry Mahon pads this film with footage from two of his earlier no-budget movies, "Thumbelina" and "Jack and the Beanstalk," and the Ice Cream Bunny makes a belated appearance as the driver of an antique firetruck. This film is best enjoyed with heaping glassfuls of bourbon or copious amounts of cannabis, because viewing it stone-sober is a crime against humanity.

"Santa Claus" (1959): Mexico's contribution to this mind-blowing genre finds Santa in competition with Satan. Poor old Kris Kringle is subjected to multiple indignities, including a stone thrown at his head, as the devil tries to turn children against their beloved December visitor. In the title role, José Elías Moreno pops his eyes, grimaces painfully and flails his arms wildly to the point that one fears Santa is having a marathon cardiac arrest. And just wait until Merlin the Magician shows up to make things right!

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1964): The gold standard of Christmas weirdness, this happy mess finds the green people of the red planet kidnapping Santa, so he can bring joy and free toys to their depressed children (including a six-year-old Pia Zadora). Between the sloppy special effects, the annoying "Hooray for Santy Claus" theme and the over-the-top acting, viewers will need something stronger than eggnog to numb themselves from watching the film without smashing the pause button.

"Santa Claus' Punch And Judy" (1948): Spousal abuse, animal cruelty and racism are not usually incorporated into holiday films, but this short film makes an exception thanks to Santa's desire to set up a Punch and Judy puppet show for a bunch of squealing children. Thus, the juvenile audience gets to watch Punch beat Judy and Judy beat Punch, then Punch beats a cat and a monkey before they assault him, then two outlandishly offensive African American stereotype puppets come out to pummel each other before Punch's head is crunched by a giant alligator. Okay, someone please bring back Ralphie and his BB gun, pronto!

Photo: "Bikini Bloodbath Christmas," courtesy of Bloodbath Pictures.