Zings Of The Day, August 23, 2011

UBS AG UBS said it will cut 3,500 jobs to save 2 billion Swiss francs ($2.5 billion) in annual costs. It will then funnel those savings to tax evaders. So in other words, nothing new. H.J. Heinz Co. HNZ shares fell today after the company repeated its forecast for full-year profit that were lower than analysts' estimates. Insert hilarious and overused ketchup joke here.