I Gave Up My Inheritance To Cover My Mom's Nursing Home Expenses And Didn't Tell My Wife — Am I In The Wrong?

When elderly parents face serious health challenges, the financial burden can cripple even the closest families. In the U.S., costs for long-term care for individuals with Alzheimer's and other dementias are projected to reach $360 billion this year.

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One man found himself in this predicament, grappling with the skyrocketing costs of his mother’s dementia care. He turned to Reddit, unsure if he’d made the right choice by using his inheritance to cover her expenses — without telling his wife.

The man's mother had been battling dementia for 12 years and required professional care four years ago. With limited financial resources, the man and his siblings split the cost of placing her in a care facility. However, he couldn't afford to contribute $3,000 a month. Instead, he told his siblings to use his share of the inheritance to cover his part of the expenses.

He admitted that he didn't inform his wife about this decision despite discussing their inability to afford the monthly costs. When his mother passed away, and the estate was settled, his wife was upset upon learning they would not receive any portion of the inheritance.

"She was livid," he recounted. "I did my best to explain that she agreed we could not afford to pay $3,000 a month, and we lived too far away to provide personal assistance, so I came up with a compromise."

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His wife felt that the money was also intended for their child and was upset that he made the decision unilaterally. "She felt it was not my place since that money was also intended for our kid," he noted. "I told her I saw where she was coming from, but I was not going to take money away from my parents or siblings if I was not helping in some shape or form."

The man acknowledged his mistake in not informing his wife. "I do agree I should have told her. I do not know why I did not tell her, and I am going to apologize for not telling her," he said. He explained that his mother's assets were not liquid, and his siblings handled the finances due to tax reasons.

He asked, "AITAH (am I the a**hole) for not informing my wife I surrendered my portion of inheritance left by my mom?"

Responses to his post varied, with some agreeing with his decision and others criticizing his lack of communication with his wife. One user shared a similar experience, saying, "My mom is in assisted living, which is very pricey, but fortunately, she and my dad planned well and she can afford it. Whenever she apologizes for ‘spending our inheritance,' we remind her how much we would rather have her than her money."

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Another commenter recounted a contrasting family situation, "My aunts and uncles turned into greedy vultures the moment my grandpa died … grandma was still living and needed memory care. My mom did everything she could to keep Grandma comfortable … but she didn't have power of attorney. My aunt barely visited grandma and hardly made herself available for important calls."

Regardless of whether the man was right or wrong, his experience emphasizes the importance of open communication and shared decision-making in any marriage, especially when significant financial choices are involved. Consulting a financial advisor or estate planning attorney early on can help families navigate these challenges more effectively, ensuring that everyone’s needs and wishes are considered and minimizing the potential for conflict and misunderstanding.

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