Are You Bullish on a Rapture Market?

It's hard to take seriously the claims of an end-of-the-world prognosticator when he's already struck out once. How does the old saying go? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me? Nonetheless, Harold Camping, the leader of an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide, has gone world-wide with his assertion that the end is not only near — it's a week from Saturday. According to Camping, the Christian rapture will take place on May 21, 2011. In an instant, all of God's chosen people will be simultaneously taken from Earth to heaven. Those left behind will suffer in misery until God finally destroys the world on October 21, 2011, according to Camping. Of course, this is not the first time Camping has predicted the world would end. In 1992, Camping wrote the book “1994?”, in which he argued that Jesus would come back on September 4, 1994. All Americans got that year were Clinton scandals and Newt Gingrich. "To be blunt, Harold Camping is a false teacher," reports Bible expert Steve Wohlberg. On May 22, both the old man and his devout followers will still be on earth," predicts Wohlberg. "Camping's ideas reflect poorly on Christianity itself. His views are pure nonsense." Even if his views are somewhat guano-psychotic, does it hurt to have a contingency plan for your portfolio, on the off-chance that (a) the rapture happens next Saturday and (b) you don't make the cut? If Camping is right, that gives you a solid five months to cash in your investments and tie up any short positions you might need to cover. Here are a few stocks to consider in the event that the rapture does, in fact, come next Saturday. Maybe those five months would give people a second chance to convince the deity of their choice to accept them into the great party in the sky. Given that possibility, one of the world's major marketing firms might come in handy, no? Clear Channel Outdoor Holdings CCO will help you throw up an “oh crap, please jesus, i promise i'll quit watching porn” billboard before it's too late. Will it work? CCO says...maybe. If things really do hit the fan, you have to ask yourself: What weapon will keep my family alive the longest? As any zombie-enthusiast or video-gamer will testify, guns will eventually run out of ammunition, but machetes never run out of machete. Most modern machetes are made out of steel. What could be more American than United States Steel X? Hunger will eventually motivate you to find some kind of sustenance. However, a five-month time frame until annihilation does have one positive aspect: No more worrying about cholesterol! Hop on over to Cracker Barrel CBRL. Get the farmer's omelette and all the bacon you get your paws on. With only five months left on the clock, the other thing you no longer have to worry about is diabetes. Feel free to order and eat as much chocolate you can consume. (Presumably, the rules against gluttony go out the window once you miss out on the rapture's “you must be this holy to ride” sign.) For chocolates, consider something classy, like the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory RMCF.